It's who I am (reposted from other blog)

It has been a time. So many people want to see me a certain way. Everyone has a answer for me, or try to give me solutions. Sometimes all I need is a ear to listen.
Or just to vent. If anyone notices I have did my best to give up certain habits, yet some are still hard to break.

It's who I am is what you see. like it or not its me. I have a temper that I am working to control. I still have a trigger yet I am not alone. So does everyone else.
Of course they wouldn't dare admit it. Now think if you are reading this and getting upset or grumbling. You must have guilt cause I did not name names. Yes there is times I think I know it all and times I do. But it offends those who don't. And I admit I am not always right, and I admit that I have pushed that I am but I am work in progress.

Faith I have in God himself but the faith I lack is in myself. Another work in progress and it the way it is. Emotional I am some say its a girl or a woman trait. Oh judge me Ha! Reality check for everyone we share traits! That's why it says wo-man
mean we share certain traits. I don't have a problem with that. I feel it makes me unique among the guy thorns.

I am also a former abused child, mentally, sexually(incest), physically, and emotionally. No this is not a excuse for my temper or actions but it does play a role in who I am. I have lived with it most of my life. And only now I am coming to terms with some of it. I do have a fear of being alone at times. Of course I wouldn't admit to it face to face. I guess that's why I can be clingy at times.

But truth be told being clingy and overly friendly can have it's cost. I cost me a job, and acquaintances. So I felt I had to be more of a stone. And hell it bit me in the other butt cheek. And it cost me with my friends and family. Damn! It's hard to be me... So I realized that everyone needs to see me for who I am ! like it or not.
If you truly love me I mean love me. The person; short, receding hair line, chunky, not well endowed, big butt.

The personality comes with the package. I am trying my best to be truly me. It's not easy when most of your life you have been trying to be if not better, or an least meet up with the people who are liked. It's become exhausting, tiring, cost me friends. Family hmm, well my blood family which are my brother and sisters that's gone when my mom passed away. My friends are my family. And I don't care if my sister don't like it, or any other part of my family. You weren't there when I needed you!

I want to live to be a ripe old age and it wont happen unless I start working now. So my family that are my friends and true friend. from Tennessee to Californya's inland empire to down the street from me. I am doing my best to be a better person. It's for me and I ask Gods help to get me there. I hope you accept me as me, you say you do but real ask yourself? Have I really ever wanted to take the time to know him?
Or did I just grab what I could from him to satisfy me.

Now please note I have done many wrongs in my life and it's up to you to want to make me suffer or pay for it. It is your decision, but remember I live with it no matter what I live with it. Do you really have the right to be my judge and jury.
I apologize to those I haven't and I continue to apologize to those I have already.

This is who I am accept me or decline me but I am still going to stay me. I have written this to make people realize the person they dislike or disagree with or hate because of my traits or actions. Or disagree with because they don't want me that way. Or learn about the person that they love and care and need to understand better.

I live with me it's up to you if you want to...

Reality check (reposted from other blog)

Sometime I can be a real bastard or jerk. OK don't very one applaud at once. I admit I have a tendency to give tough love. And I admit I get carried away at times. But I do mean well. I feel that it is important for those in my life to realize that there own agenda isn't always the answer. That jealousy is not the meaning its more of a minion.

To see that making a mockery is just that a mockery. It gets nothing but grief. It's in my nature to love the ones in my life and let them understand that if I am doing some changing then they need to get along behind me. Now I am not playing Jesus and asking them to be my disciples. I am saying you must be a disciple in order to go forward. Positiveness is the key. It's up to them to go to the door and turn the key.

I have had my share of reality, just too much and too many times. that doesn't mean I have given up. It's just more of a maze to go through in order to get to that same door marked positive. remember second chances are made by yourself. God will carry you so far. There are many times you will have to get on your own two feet and ten toes and walk the path and do the journey.

You can't expect yourself to grow toward being positive unless you do a little fertilizing, plowing, Basically believing in yourself. And the rest will follow in time. Expectations of others does little if you can't fulfill the expectations of yourself. I don't believe anyone deserves to be the king or queen of pain. the pain may never go away but you can compromise with it and live a more productive and positive way.

I will continue to do what I feel means something. Be there for my friends and let them know straight how it is and what it means to them if they do.. like it or not it's who I am

Truth hurts we live on...Sibling rivalry (reposted from other blog)

It's been a while since I wrote on this one of my blogs....

Well here we go! Siblings are sometimes the worst to deal with in life.

When the parents pass away and the cord is cut. Its like a air hose going wild

when its detached from it's source. They look at the youngest as the worst thing that ever survived. Or times the oldest may get it as well. These siblings would trade the life of the youngest or oldest to have there security blanket back their parents.

They feel that they are abandoned and exposed to the world. OH GOD! Failing there life becomes. They may harass the younger or older sibling... Steal things that they feel belong to there parents. Mock and torment the younger or older sibling because they gained a house or car or something that the parents felt they needed or would take care of in compare to the other children. Jealously and regret become the focus of these children.

Some go to church and still hold hypocrisy in there minds. God this and Gods going to punish you for not helping me. You will pay how you are or how you are acting. Yet they get on there knees and pray. They alleluia and Holy Holy. Yet they cuse up a storm, talk bad and curse the older or younger sibling. You'll be sorry you watch! How so loving and caring. Hawk shit. We punish ourselves not God.

The victimised younger or older hold on tight to there mentality and temper doing there best to not give in to the foolish and unfair ways they are treated and tormented. Sometimes they have to break ties with there is siblings in only to keep their sanity. Sometimes the victimised younger or older make there own family and friends suffer without knowing it's happening. Some immediate family wife sons daughters, close friends fade away or turn back because they don't understand.

Pray for those younger or older who suffer. For real pray don't just say I will. What you pray or wish for better my be the only thing to save this victims of stupidity and ignorance. A hug, a mean full one. A ear to listen, no solutions just listen. And then just then they may be able to go on and live a decent life....

Christmas what, where. hear

Walk to the edge and watch the snow all over the place. Wait this ain't reality.
A picture on the wall or on television. Many never really see what snow is. It is either man made not by the heavens. Wrapped up boxes called gifts and retail rings and commercial sing of sales all around.

The fat man they call in a red suit sitting in a mall with a gut looking like dads in front of a football game. Kids telling him what they want and there name. His eyes roll up and when its done no more then a candy cane for a daughter or son. And a picture of digital quality that cost more then the box of candy canes being given out. Not to mention the cost of the frame?!

Jolly and holly and mistletoe getting the lights on the house or the ultimate design in the yard, yet to out do the others down the street. Blown up displays and cardboard portrays overwhelming the simple look of ones house. A wreath on a door or on the overpriced Cadillac escalated. And clothing displaying Noel or happy holidays with designer label sewed on the back.

Hark hark did we forget what its all about yes not doubt? A Young man called Jesus, a star and animals all around. His birth called to change a world of misfit and mayhem.
To remind all that we were created to share in brother and sisterhood. That no one is better then another. The meek and the wealth me at the crossroads and intertwine into one where no one takes lead.

A man name Nick who a story tells gave gifts to children to only see joy and cheer. That some call a saint. Others call the great man of Gods reign who goes and travels though Christmas eve blessing people with joy and peace. Giving many love and hope in a uncertain world. The blessing comes from the soul of each man and woman.

Give yourself a second to believe again reach into your inner child while still standing on a adult foot prints. Reminded of what the reason for this time in Decembers. A giving of thanks that November had started in faith,  rhyme song. A remembrance of where we come from and where we should be, know that giving is every day not just one time of the year.

So next time you hear the songs of Christmas cheer let it remind you not of retail and sales or holiday logger and beer. Not who's yard is better or who got the better gift. Not of Sitting on a strange mans lap making wishes to him that he wont make come true. Choirs and singers singing of cheer and love and grace not s feed the world songs that do nothing more then remind us that in our own towns and cities of the poor and forgotten. We need to give them the Christmas cheer

Look in the mirror and start today. Give to yourself and then your family and to your friends. The joy of giving the treat of a hand, a hug or a kiss. Giving of your time to those unfortunate when you yourself have not much. Believing in your our selves and others and share time and conversation not material things. Let ther spirit flow among us all. And Thank every day Jesus was born to to forgive our foolish sins and give life to our spirit.

If you believe say Amen......